Growing up in California, sunsets were something fun to see. I loved staying at the beach until the sun dipped below the water.
When I moved to Colorado I began to crave those west coast sunsets over the water. I didn’t even know how special they were until they were gone. When I moved out east, I would seek out spots where I could catch a sunset over the water. I begged for the colors and the feelings these sunsets evoked in me. A sunset on the bay might scratch an itch but it surely didn’t fill the void.
I can’t remember every sunset in my life and yet, I can enjoy the uniqueness of each one and those that came before it. I can bask in the expansiveness of the ocean. I can find myself and know I am exactly where I need to be. The worries melt away as the landscape demands my all of my attention. The privilege to watch our sun sink below the horizon is never wasted on me. The beautiful moments of my life play together in swirls of pinks, purples, oranges and a flash of green. I walk away in the dusk floating on the sand and feeling whole.
When I lived on the east coast, grateful to be near the ocean again, I carried a small amount of resentment to beach with me. I resented the sun for not setting over water. I felt a little jealousy for the west coast when I’d leave the beach without “that” feeling.
I knew I could have a sunrise. Deep inside me, somewhere, I knew I could get up early and see the sun wake up and fill me with light.
Alas, I could not make it. I had too many things to do, too much pain to deal with, too many babies to feed, too many excuses to make.
Even on those rare trips where we would stay at the oceanfront, my evenings were late and full of wasted and distracted moments causing me to selfishly grip sleep.
We all have these hopes and dreams that we bury deep inside, so deep we may not even realize they are there. It isn’t the fear of missing out but the knowing that you are missing something great.
For me, it was that sunrise that I couldn’t catch.
I knew I was throwing away sunrises.
I stopped drinking alcohol over 18 months ago. I’d like to say I didn’t have a problem but in reality, I had completely given up my choice. I relented, alcohol had a tight grip on me. Even if I didn’t drink every night, I iced every great moment with a beverage. I “celebrated” and I loved to “relax.”
The truth was, I was never relaxing or celebrating. I was distracting, masquerading, and playing with my limits. I didn’t get good sleep. I would wake up feeling blah and work to “make it” through the day. The same song on repeat.
I know what rested feels like now. Looking back, I was not resting or relaxing.
It wasn’t easy but after a while, every wonderful moment became beautiful just as it was without the need to “celebrate” it’s existence.
I get to see sunrises now.
And not with the tired and groggy feeling of defeat for forcing myself to make it happen but with the calm enthusiasm of being in that moment as the sun presents itself in a new fantastic way every day.
I am in a special place. I can wake up every day before my alarm goes off to greet the sun in the silent sound of waves crashing rhythmically unique to the day. I can feel the brevity and profound beauty of each changing moment of the morning. It is not lost on me.
I can’t have this every day but I can have it these days on this trip. I never wake up wishing I had been more buzzed, more distracted, or more “somewhere else” the night before.
I have been congratulated for not sharing my sobriety more. It would bring up uncomfortable feelings for people I love.
I am sharing my joy. How it makes others feel is something I choose not to concern myself with. It took me 25 years to appreciate a sunrise.
Whatever your sunrise is… It may take a lifetime to appreciate it too. That is ok.
Just know that you are capable and you can do it. It just takes baby steps.
I took baby steps for 19 years.
The small changes, the thoughts, and the seeds you plant, they will grow. They will grow at the pace you water them. And whatever pace that needs to be, it will be ok.
Here is how it worked for me.
I needed to release guilt then forgive myself for everything, and cultivate compassion for all the versions of myself I needed to be to get here.
Creating healthy patterns that help me feel connected with my body are where the big wins come in.
Also, I went cold turkey on alcohol, coffee, sugar, dairy, and grains. When I began to give myself back those small pleasures, they felt like magical gifts. I began to appreciate the privileges I had been, unknowingly, taking for granted. I didn’t know the little things could feel so big.
What phase are you in right now? Maybe you can chase some sunsets or try pilates. Maybe you find the space to get to know yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Maybe you are doing great all around and I am very happy for you.
I am here if you need me.
Love, Hali